"Standing on the Side of Love"

A good friend of mine, a gay man, happily sharing his life with his partner in a committed relationship complete with mortgage, dog, garden, and large extended family, commented to me recently that he couldn't understand why we Unitarian Universalists have placed the issue of civil marriage so high on our list of priorities. With an agenda full of important issues, from peace to the environment to economic justice; and in a world so full of woe from war to natural disasters to AIDS; civil marriage, which has proven to be so politically divisive, surely can wait. My friend is in no hurry.

So why should we be? People will always fall in love. The more pressing issue, says my friend, is whether there will be anything left of the earth for their children.

He has a point. We all have difficulty choosing our priorities. Whenever our Faith in Action Commission holds an issues election, as we will do later today, we struggle with this question. Where to invest our precious energy and hope so that we can make a difference?

Our congregation has already voted – unanimously – to affirm civil marriage as a civil right. But we are less certain how to demonstrate that conviction. We could not convince ourselves to fly a banner proclaiming it, a decision that some members of our community took as a setback. And yet, when Kris and Debbie drove with their son Skye to get married in San Francisco last year, we welcomed them home with great joy – happy anniversary!

We know where we stand. Love makes a difference. We believe that people should be able "to follow their hearts and publicly commit to a lifetime partnership with a person of their own choosing," as Judge Ling-Cohan wrote. That is why we should care about the freedom to marry. It is a freedom that expresses who we are, as human beings, fundamentally connected to each other, in relationships that deserve to be recognized and protected.

If this freedom is not a high priority for a religious community, it is unlikely to be taken seriously anywhere else. "Love is the doctrine of this church," reads our covenant. It is our vocation to care how the precious bonds of love are shaped into families. Our work is to nurture this love as an expression of spiritual wholeness. That is one reason why this issue – the freedom to marry – needs us, Unitarian Universalists, visibly committed to it.

Unitarian Universalists have been on record for thirty-five years affirming fundamental rights for gay and lesbian persons. From our first historic resolution to today, we have led the way for religious support of equal love and equal rights. Our position has evolved, over time, to embrace the significance of civil marriage as fundamental to this equality. Similar developments are taking place everywhere, though not as quickly or decisively as we might hope. Still, change is inevitable.

"Marriage is an evolving civil and religious institution." According to the Religious Institute on Sexual Morality, Justice, and Healing, "In the past, marriage was primarily about property and procreation whereas today the emphasis is on egalitarian partnership, companionship, and love. In the past, neither the state nor most religions recognized divorce and remarriage, interracial marriage, or the equality of the marriage partners. These understandings changed, and rightly so, in greater recognition of the humanity of persons and their moral and civil rights."

It is hopeful that social institutions can evolve along such positive lines. The recent New York Supreme Court decision clearly delineates this evolution as well. While some things don't change: "The freedom to choose whom to marry has consistently been the subject of public outcry and controversy," the decision reads, just about everything else does. "Rote reliance on historical exclusion … would have served to justify slavery, anti-miscegenation laws and segregation," Judge Ling-Cohan continues. Today's definition of marriage as a "partnership of two loving equals" can include same-sex and opposite-sex couples with equal validity. Judge Ling-Cohan concludes that understanding marriage in this way "cannot legitimately be said to harm anyone."

It does no harm. And yet the debate over who has the right to marry has affected all of us, in its impact on this year's elections and on people's lives. Active efforts to ban same-sex marriage have struck fear in the hearts of people everywhere – gay and lesbian people, who stand to suffer renewed persecution as a result, those who stand with them, and those who care about freedom. There is more at stake here than first meets the eye.

Twenty years ago, our Unitarian Universalist General Assembly voted to affirm holy unions, religious ceremonies for same-sex couples, in our churches. At the time, this was the best we thought we could do. We were doing our part as a religious community to provide rites of passage for all people.

Since that time, however, the awareness has grown on us that such symbolic gestures, as meaningful as they may be, cannot provide the legal protections people need. According to Equality California, there are 1,138 federal rights and hundreds of state rights denied to same-sex couples. Only civil marriage can confer those rights. Holy unions and civil unions are not marriage. They are compromises, falling short of full equality.

We have come to understand civil marriage as a far-reaching justice issue. More than an expression of love and commitment, marriage is a legal institution in which all people have a right to participate. All families deserve equal respect; all children should grow up secure that their family is as valid as any other.

Unitarian Universalists have a proud tradition of working for justice, sometimes taking on causes before they become popular. Each Sunday we light the chalice, invoking our courageous predecessors, who risked their lives helping people escape the Nazi holocaust. While other religious groups were maintaining their neutrality, we went out on a limb, joining with the partisan resistance, taking a stand that many criticized. Long before World War II, Unitarians and Universalists led the way in the abolition of slavery and suffrage for women, causes we took up despite active opposition, ridicule, and even danger. Standing up for civil marriage is one more way to act on our commitment to equality and justice. We may be ahead of our time, but that is exactly where we have always been – and should be. We also have a tradition of taking risks as a community – being willing to face our own conflicts and disagreements, in order to move forward in our work for justice. We always move forward, one way or another.

Twenty years ago a member of my congregation in Concord, New Hampshire came to me to speak his concern about our church sanctifying the relationships of same-sex couples. He was an elderly man, conservative and traditional. But he was also a Universalist, with a big heart and an open mind. He talked about how he felt uncomfortable that his church and minister had taken this controversial step. But as he heard himself talk about his feelings, something changed for him and he came to a new understanding.

He said to me, "I realize that faith does not lead us to do what is comfortable. Faith leads us to do what is right, and eventually we'll get comfortable with it." Those words continue to evoke for me, today and always what it means to take our faith seriously.

Ever since, whenever I think of where our faith should take us in the work for justice, I remember that we are not here to be comfortable. Doing what is right can make us downright uncomfortable, in fact. This is how we grow in moral courage as individuals. It is also how we can work together towards justice.

We will have many opportunities, in the coming months and years, to act on our commitment to marriage equality. With legislation coming before the State Assembly this spring, a court case pending, and opposition forming, this issue is going to challenge us for some time. It is a struggle we are well prepared to undertake.

Our vocation as a religious community calls us to act because love is our doctrine. Our history as a people willing to take risks calls us to act for the sake of justice. Our tradition as a faith that remains relevant and forward-looking calls us to act because the time has come for this freedom, at long last. We stand together; now let us act together.

For more information about the marriage equality movement in California, go to uulmca.org and eqca.org. The text of the New York State Supreme Court decision is also available through these websites. The Religious Institute on Sexual Morality, Justice, and Healing can be found at religiousinstitute.org. The UUA website also has good links to marriage equality activities and UU's throughout the country.