"Holding On, Letting Go"

What, in your life, are you holding on to and what are you letting go of?

I asked that question when I was a Hospital Chaplain and the leader of a number of varied small groups – a group for those who had lost their spouses or partners; a women’s group for spiritual support; a group of teens who were nearing high school graduation; a group in a mental health center; a group of those who cared for a chronically ill family member.  All kinds of small groups.

Usually, about six or eight people would gather in a circle around a colorful scarf where stones, shells, feathers, and baskets of various sundries were strewn.  I would ask:  “What are you letting go of right now?” Then I would direct them to choose an object that speaks to them about letting go.  Most people thoughtfully chose an item and proceeded to speak or listen or pass.  One woman picked a red silk poppy and told us, it reminded her of her mother who had recently died.  Her mom once grew poppies in her garden.  A very young man, barely twenty, held on to an empty shell and said - “I dunno.  I feel like this shell – empty – like I’m letting go of my very life.”

When everyone who wanted to, finished speaking, I’d ask the second question:

“What are you holding on to?”

A woman, a grandmother, homeless and jobless, chose a rock the size and shape of an egg.  It fit her hand like a pea in a pod.  She told us, “It feels to me like I have nothing.  Everything is lost.  I just want to hold on to something.”  Later, she took the rock with her to a group home where she had the hope of rebuilding her life.  And I had to let go of my rock.  A middle-aged man chose the feather of a red-tailed hawk.  He said, “I am coming out to my family and I want to hold on to this feather.  It reminds me of the strength of the eagle. When I leave here, I want to learn more about my Ojibway heritage.”  He also asked to keep the feather.  That time, I had plenty, so I didn’t need to hesitate to part with one.

Often, we would end the group time with the Serenity Prayer, though I would drop the words, Prayer and God, because I wanted to be inclusive of everyone.  I usually forgot the exact words that go something like this:

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Unitarian Universalist Minister, Forrest Church, summarizes the serenity prayer in this way:  “Openness to what we can change combined with an acceptance of all we cannot is the surest formula I know for the good life.” 

Through the years, I have led many small groups and I have continued to ask the same two questions because the two human actions – on the one hand - letting go, and on the other hand - holding on, are universal.  These two actions are central to making decisions, to planning the future, and to living a joyful life.

When you think about letting go or holding on, does the image of a hand come into your mind?  Picture it -

The open hand symbolizes letting go.

The clenched fist symbolizes holding on. 

The implication follows, most of the time, that the open hand of letting go, is better somehow, more righteous or ideal, than the tight fist of holding on. 

The open hand stands for trust, like the child who opens the hand for an adult to lead.  The open hand is accepting. That tightly clenched fist stands for rejection, for anger and fear. When someone says - “You’re holding on too tight,” brute force is implied.  In our images, in our language, and in our belief systems: Letting go is the more noble path.  Holding on is denigrated to the point of becoming a vice.

“Let go and let God” was a popular slogan at one time.  Whenever I was advised to let go and let God, a small voice would rise within me and whisper – “hold on.”  It could have been my rebellious nature, which I have confessed to many times, that made me resistant at the drop of the words – “let go.”  Or it could have been that I was already questioning: what kind of God would want an absolutely passive follower.  I guess by being here, I have answered that quandary.  We humans are supposed to use our will.

After years of searching, what I do know is that letting go is not the only truth in life.  Maybe I just encountered the “letting go” fundamentalists in my youth so many times that I must affirm -  Holding on and letting go are both true.  Letting go is readily asserted as a spiritual discipline.  The art of holding on must be reclaimed as a virtue and a spiritual discipline worthy of our endeavor.

What about anger?  I know, there are scores of classes, workshops, retreats, probably some meditation and yoga, too, all titled something along the line of – “Letting Go of Anger.”  Now, I bet even we Unitarian Universalists wouldn’t show up for a program titled – “Holding On to Anger.” 

I know anger can lead to actions that harm others or one’s self.  I am not preaching harm. 

However, sometimes we need to hold on to anger because there is a reason for it.  Hold on for a little longer and pay attention to anger.  Consider – Why do I feel angry?  What is at stake?  How can I express the anger in appropriate language?  Rarely, is it harmful to express anger in words that own the feelings, for example, I am angry when… I am angry because…  Moving through anger is a normal human experience, which can’t be rushed.  When we’re ready to let go of anger, it happens naturally.  When we hold a hand in a tight fist --- sooner or later --- the hand simply tires, and releases.  When it needs to stop hurting, then the hand opens.  The hand of acceptance appears.  Mourning and Mitzvah, a text on loss from the perspective of the Jewish faith, says this:

“Acceptance means finding a way to feel some harmony and continued sense of partnership with a universe that permits loss.  Acceptance means coming to a place of shalom. (233)

An authentic life requires the expression of anger and learning to do so in healthy ways.  The result of expressing anger may surprise us by leading us to even greater depths of friendship and intimacy.   Frederick Buechner says:

“The one thing a clenched fist can’t do is to accept the helping hand.”

The helping hand is something worth holding onto.  The stories I told you about the people in the small groups who told me what they were holding on to illustrated that invisible helping hand.  It was good they were holding on.  They were survivors, facing difficult challenges.  When each person held on to a chosen object, opened his or her hand and told us listeners about what they were holding on to, we connected to the visible object and to the hand that was holding it.  Each one’s story was accepted.  Being accepted is worth holding on to.

Forrest Church titles his book about letting go and holding on – Lifelines.  He defines lifelines as the connections that sustain us in times of trouble:

“Lifelines are deeper connections to our own hearts, to our neighbors, and to God.”

Forrest reminds us that a lifeline is not one-sided, in the following words taken from our reading: 

“The most important thing to remember is that lifelines have two ends.  To grasp one end, however tightly, avails us nothing unless the other end is secured.  Unless we reach out to and for others, seeking meaning not inour own suffering but in our shared experience of the human condition, our lifelines will not hold.”

A lifeline exists to save someone, to help someone who cannot help themselves at that moment.  But that is only one side of the picture.  A lifeline can only exist and save lives, if there is someone on the other end, anchoring the line.  At one end of the lifeline, someone is holding on, while at the same time letting go of the other end of the rope, so that someone else can hold on.  In the end, two people are holding on, together in their common human struggles and joys.  The lifeline implies the holding on and letting go that affirms human life in the process of growth.   

The lifeline is a potent symbol of acceptance, trust, and life-saving connections.  No one would be saved if there were not an anchor.  Allah Bozarth Campbell, poet and Episcopal priest, writes beautifully in the book, Life is Goodbye, Life is Hello, these words:

“Hold on to me.  Don’t let me go.  Be an anchor in whose presence I can safely become lost at sea.  Help me to find my way back.”

The anchor reminds us that it is good to hold on.  We may choose to be an anchor for each other when the waters are too rough to be left floating alone.  Hold on.  We offer ourselves as a lifeline to others, only when the anchor will hold all of us.  We are all in the lifeboat in the common journey of making meaning out of our struggles. 

Forrest Church says:

“We remain hopeful by seeking together with one another, as a community, the meaning in our shared human condition.  We seek, in community, to find the answers to what is valuable to hold on to and what is necessary to let go of. “

We strive to do the hard work of living –to make and keep our lifelines, to value our connections to one another and to our deepest selves. The Unitarian Universalist Community Church is an anchor in many people’s lives.  People come here to seek meaning in their lives, to sort out the tough issues of our day, to speak their convictions as well as their joys and sorrows.  I have witnessed that your connections to one another have deepened in profound ways.  You offer both an anchor and a lifeline to those who need you. 

May you hold on to what is good in your lives.

Hold on to those lifelines and connection you have made to one another.

Hold on to the beauty of this building, your anchor to earth.

Hold on to every moment of gracious living for this fleeting life beckons you to live fully in joy and sorrow, in the sublime and in the mundane.  May it be so.

Anne Brener, Mourning and Mitzvah

Allah Bozarth Campbell, Life is Goodbye, Life is Hello

Forrest Church, Lifelines

Copyright 2009, Rev. Roberta Haskin
This text is for personal use only, and may not be copied
or distributed without the permission of the author.